There’s an emptiness inside of me, my soul, maybe it was there when God created me at conception, maybe it entered when I felt for the first time abandonment as child unable to see my mother for a long weekend, maybe it happened when I confronted my fear God would hate me for being gay, maybe it came into being with my first big love heartbreak, or maybe it’s just been compounded by all these events and my life has been a constant fight against the empty. I was diagnosed going on a decade ago with bipolar depression and have spent the last 10 years doing all I can to live as normal of a life as I can with the disease. Medication has helped in the fact that I have not had a mania episode in over two years but my depression has progressively gotten worse. I have done all I can, changed my diet (absolutely no carbs and no sugar), I go the gym and lift weights and do cardio daily, I spend time one on one with close friends receiving hugs and verbal care, and I have even opened myself up to the idea of dating again after being reserved about putting myself out there for years. Minus medication, which my psychiatrist is not making any changes on right now, all my coping mechanisms have been swiftly taken from me by Governor Dewine’s seemingly never-ending, livelihood killing, domestic disturbance inducing, stay-at-home order.
I did alright during the “15 Days to Reduce the Spread” in March. I felt as though the government was truly looking out for me and all my fellow American’s from leadership truly from the top down, starting in Washington. Then we hit the great unknown, April. Easter came and Easter went, Jesus, Up from the Grave He Arose but we continued to flounder in stone cold uncertainly. I took my vocal lessons to Zoom, I went to YouTube for workouts, I kept eating well but dreaded going outside to the grocery to pick up my needs because of how just plain over the top people are acting out of overblown fear they are all going to die or, in contrast, completely irresponsible and gross like the whole world has not gone through a toxic change and that some kind of response, 6 feet apart please, is completely acceptable.
I made these changes, and slowly these changes started to let the empty, the depression, sweep over me inch by inch, day by day, more and more. A computer screen only made me feel emotionally distanced from others and my soul. Going through the stages of grief has been interesting for me. Bouncing back and forth, somehow going back to shock that this is still happening but always traveling though anger, anxiety, and helpless depression. This writing is the start of my bargaining to hopefully find my way into acceptance. I am writing this because this weekend Covid almost claimed my life, but not by the virus, but the economic downturn, the closing of business around Ohio that closed off my life to me. I remembered talk of my family having a gun from my grandfather in the house somewhere. It’s probably not even in working condition. I tried to commit suicide my senior year of high school after I was very forcefully kicked out of the closet. I swallowed a full brand new bottle of Tylenol PM and put myself to bed asking God to forgive me as I went to hopefully peacefully meet him. Waking up the next morning, failing at doing That task was yes the biggest blessing of my life, also one of the most dismal feelings of brokenness I’ve ever had. I can never feel that way again, so I looked for the gun.
I did not find it, but I did go back to the stage of anger as I got a busy signal at the suicide hotline (that has seen call volume go up 1000% in places over the country) thinking that some hospital would code me as a Covid death in order to get more money from the stimulus and I would become part of the incorrect statistics that are keeping people at home and keeping more people in states of deeper and deeper depression. I could not leave this world with that on my conscience till the end of time. What should this all mean to you? First, if you’re struggling like me with the emotionally downturn that has happened because of the economic downturn and you feel abused and completely unrepresented by the media and your government, you are not alone. I hope this story can resonate with you and maybe encourage you to find a way to bargain your own way into a form of acceptance over staying in a state of despair.
If you’re lucky enough to be less affected by this shut down by being an “essential worker,” if you’ve always worked from home, or if you’re part of the about 30% of workers who have been able to work from home completely successfully, know how lucky you are and that you are in the minority. Keeping Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s mother alive by locking down the country is killing so many other people and causing so much pain in other ways that are being complelty isnored.. Great, you “saved just one” life from Covid, was it “worth it” as others are thinking and actually going through with taking their own in their deepest darkest despair?